I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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