Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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