I got chris browned last night
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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