so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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