We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
