he wants to bone in the snuggie
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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