Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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