i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
