You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
