well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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