he told me I talked like a deaf person
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
