There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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