Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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