just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
