After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
