everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
