How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
