We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize