We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
