just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
