I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
