I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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