1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
where are my eyebrows?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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