I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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