i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
