Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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