and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
