he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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