who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize