My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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