need another drink. this is the easiest way
wrigley field is MILF paradise
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
