Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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