the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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