Where are you?
In a non slutty way
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
