someone owes me an orgasm
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Who died my cat blue again?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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