I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
