he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize