we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
