Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
