I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
