she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
