He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
