i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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