Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize