I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
