We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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