i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
