he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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