I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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