The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
