easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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