just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
