Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
