apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
