Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
