I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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