I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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